Until I find a Friend

I want to be there for myself. I want to heal, heal all the wounds that I lived to tell about now. But I need to make me feel something first. I can’t bare to be so empty anymore, to be remembered what he took from me. Everyday, with every word, with every cut. So I need to feel something: to feel liked, to feel wanted, to feel desirable for once. Just for once. Because that was what he said I wasn’t. So I will prove him wrong, prove his voice in my head wrong. Just one time I need to feel it, that someday I won’t die alone. And then I will stay alone. Till I find back to myself again. Till I find the map to my mind, the blueprints of my soul, the key to my heart.

Until then I will stay al…

Wait!

You are my friend. The first one I made getting out of this mess. You smiled at me. You supported me. You were there for me, not there when I needed you the most, but just there. Not lifting things off of my shoulders, but talking me trough while I did it myself. Not promising me the world, but showing me the moon and the stars. Not telling me what to do to get better, but accepting me the way I was. With flaws, making mistakes, searching for the right path to take. Trying. You were just there. Never taking the reins out of my hands, but waiting patiently till I was ready to place them in my palms on my own. Never pronouncing what I needed, but waiting patiently till I discovered it on my own. I was on my own. But you were always just there. Without demand, without pressure, without expectations. You just wanted to be there. And suddenly I want to be there with you. For myself. So I made a wish, when the shooting star rushed over our heads- I wanted to be happy, finally happy. With my life, with me. Being at peace, being free. Free of my parents bounding, free of his crippling trauma, free of my own paralyzed mind. And you let me take your hand, then you smiled at me. Not down but at. Your chuckle did not vibrate in my guts, alarming me of something wrong, but warmed my heart, waking up the long lost hope. The long lost excitement to live, to see the world and what she has to offer. And instead of cutting them down, you patch my wings. You flick the holes and mend the wounds with your care. There is no rush, I know that and you know that, so you give me time. You give me shelter, you give me hope with every kind word, with every soft kiss, with every warming hug. Not folding me in your arms to keep me, to hold me there with you, but to strengthen me.

Until I am ready to release myself and be free to fly.