Vicious Cycle

Have you ever heard of a “vicious cycle”? A loop that, no matter what you do or try, you can’t escape?

That’s pretty much what my life feels like.

Every day I get up, go to work, get back home and just spend the rest of the day sitting on my couch on my own.

Nothing changes.

Every day is the same.

I don’t have anyone I could spend time with. No one to help when I’m feeling down or alone.

There is no way for me to escape my thoughts. They trap me here, in my home.

The funny thing is that I know that I could go out to meet people, but it just feels so pointless because I will just end up being on my own again anyway, so why should I try in the first place, right?

Why should I build up the hope of change if nothing is going to happen in the end after all?

I get lost, every day, in the thoughts and possibilities of what my life could be like if I was just able to change something. If I could just convince myself to go out, to go to that one meetup between colleagues. To that one meetup with people I knew in school to see some old friends.

And if I’d just be able to text that one friend who had always checked up on me even though I had never texted first.

I just know that I can’t keep up with anyone because I feel tired easily, and I don’t fit in anywhere, and why would anyone want something to do with someone who doesn’t feel like talking pretty often?

But do I really not feel like talking with people because that’s how I am, or don’t I feel like talking to people because I’m afraid of what they would think of me?

I just don’t know what I should do. Should I risk being disappointed again or just stay by myself as I am used to by now?

This is what I meant at the beginning.

My life is a cycle that I can’t escape from, no matter what I do or how hard I try.

I always have to choose between the hope of not having to be lonely anymore or the risk of being disappointed or hated for my identity and who I am.

Well, I guess I still have countless evenings to think about what I want to do.