VII

In life I’m disappointed at myself. Everytime I get it off my mind, I just realize more that it never went away.

I’m still just as depressed as years ago. I still want to die as much as ever. At a constant rate I can barely ignore.

And it’s all because of me. I ruin everything.

I shakily bring the small blade to my skin. I know that if I want blood to be drawn, I have to boldly go in and do my worst.

The desire for blood only grows as the seconds pass. I’m terribly shaking and feeling faint as I stab the metal into my forearm. I’m just too scared to do it right.

It doesn’t even count at this point. I’m such a failure that I can’t even cut myself right.

I avert my eyes as my crush waves at me with a smile. I see it all behind. She isn’t happy with me.

“Hey. Why’re you avoiding me?”

“I—” Words fail me as I can’t think. Everything is wrong. I can’t let her see how much of a disgusting piece of shit I am.

“I don’t want to be around you anymore.”

My sister is nearing the time to move out.

I wish I was enough to make her stay or hesitate to leave, but I understand how horrible it is to be my dad’s target.

I know it’ll be my turn next, but I applaud her for her perseverance.

I frown at her as she asks me what’s wrong.

“Nothing,” I simply reply. I gave up on the concept of opening up. I sound too dumb for my problems to be worth whoever’s time.