Void

It is chilly outside, the wind blowing strongly through the trees as if to clean the air. The soft rain trickles down my window as I glimpse outside, slowly waking up to this dreary grey day. The bed is warm and I decide to remain cuddled up in my soft blanket with my dog warming my feet for just just a little longer. My alarm clock playing the tune of „happy „ (despicable me) for the 5th time hoping I would finally press stop. I have so much to do today, yet I pick up my iPad and check the news, thinking that a cup of coffee in bed would be nice. Refusing to leave my warm bed, I continue reading yet my mind starts wandering as it usually does to the things that need to be done today, but somehow I cant can’t concentrate.

So once again I look out the window. Admiring the droplets as theyrun down the window, gaining speed as they get heavier.

Yesterday I saw Christmas decorations for sale, next to halloween things and birthday cards. Reminding me!

Growing up there wasn’t much to celebrate. Having my own family, I made a point of using any excuse to celebrate. Whether it be Fasching, Halloween, going overboard for birthdays or planning Christmas and Easter , months in advance, or even the release of a new Star wars movie! I would celebrate anything and everything, enjoying the precious moments, the laughter and joy.

I would celebrate life.!

But now, as I look out my window through the drops of rain, I search desperately in my mind for something to celebrate, anything. Anything!

I start feeling panic when nothing enters my mind. All I feel is an emptiness. Slowly tears join the raindrops as I realise, that it wasn’t the event I celebrated, but the feeling of being happy, my life complete. The brightlycolored decorations were the rainbows in my heart, filled with hopes and dreams. The wonderful food and drinks symbolised the fulfillment. The fun and laughter just reflected the joy and happiness I felt inside. The greatest joy for me was feeling and seeing the brightly lit eyes and hearing the laughter and surprise.

Gifts given were we’re only small in comparison to what I felt in my heart.

I had the precious gift of love.

Now as the rain starts pouring down, I realise that I am dreading Christmas, once again. I am told that time heals, but for me, it just gets worse. Every missed birthday, every Christmas, every stolen „Moment“ makes me emptier, leaving a bigger void inside me. I feel like a shell of who I used to be.

I know that nothing can console me. Time passes but you can never replace lost moments, moments that should be shared with you. I know that no matter what I do today, no matter how much I try to gain joy and positivity in my life again. I will never be able to still the pain, or fill this void.

My life used to be like a full basket of eggs. With every passing moment without you, they break – one by one. And even though there are still eggs in the basket, you can never mend them, for there is only one you.

Some say get new ones, start fresh….but nothing will ever replace whats lost. Not this time!