Waiting bench of happiness

Out of nowhere, a deer emerged from the fog and stared down at the pavement. It was the third time in a row that I saw one – and again I felt the incomprehensible tugging in my chest. That my office bordered directly on a forest was both a curse and a blessing. It was hard to concentrate on work when the mysteries of the forest kept trying to captivate me.

Sighing, I propped my head on my hand and stared at my work computer. The air was heavy and stuffy. The clacking of keyboards and robotic voices of people talking on the phone filled the room. “Did you get the email out to Mr. Williams? We need the missing documents for the campaign as soon as possible.”

Hearing my boss’s voice, I startled. My boss was looking at my screen, which instead of the email inbox was showing an info page about Yosemite National Park. I quickly closed the tab and squinted my eyes in embarrassment. “Interesting. Your duties as our manager are more varied than I thought.” He gave me a warning look and turned away again. At the door to the room, he stopped and turned to me. A cool smile stretched across his wrinkled face, “By the way, the National Park is much more beautiful in real life than in the pictures you just gazed at.” With those words, he left the room and pulled the door closed behind him. A glance around confirmed what I had already guessed: all eyes were on me and soft laughter resounded through the room. With a red head, I opened the mailbox. How sick I was of this job and the people here. When it was finally the weekend, I could get back to the things that interested me. And one day I would be financially and mentally ready to hand in my notice to my boss.

After I was finally able to leave the office at seven o’clock, I strolled to my car at the edge of the forest. The trees rustled lightly in the wind, as if they were trying to whisper something to me. “One of these days, when I have more time, I’ll go camping,” I promised myself. In a few moments I would enter my apartment, which still smelled new and fresh after all these months and was equipped with only the bare necessities. As usual, I would watch another series and stare sleeplessly at the ceiling. And again, the same question would creep into my mind: Was this really the right life for me?

We have internalized an if-then mindset. We often believe that we are happy only when certain conditions are met. But what if it’s the other way around? When we start to look for our happiness within, then things change. Then we have enough courage and self-confidence to dare to take new steps. Then the external circumstances will also fall into place.