WARSCHAUER STRAßE

Dustin was sent by his boss to New York to do some diligence for two weeks. We decided that I should not come, because being in the United States of America would be a huge risk for me, due to the press and paparazzi.

Living with Dustin had already started to feel like being in jail. Back at that time, I could not realize that he was abusing me, not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. Being alone allowed me to connect a little bit with myself, and to slowly go out of his mental control.

I wanted to explore the city, and find myself again. I decided to go out for a walk in the late evening. I walked and walked exploring the touristic places of Berlin. As night came on, I landed in a very peculiar place, where the east side gallery of Berlin is located. Warschauer Straße!

Without knowing. I arrived at the most famous party place in Berlin. As I was walking through the streets, I could feel the energy from people, and the party vibe. There were lots of people drinking and on drugs, dancing along the street. I had a weird feeling under my abs. Somehow, I felt excluded and a huge feeling of sadness arose.

I stopped to watch one of the street performances. A guy playing “My heart will go on” with a violin, and a dancer doing a show next to him. It was just beautiful, it activated something in my brain. At the same time, some people started to recognize me, and asked me for a picture. I said “Yes, of course”.

I suddenly felt the desire to have a beer, and a fight in my mind started. I tried to keep on walking, and leave the place as soon as possible, but there was an external force stopping me. Literally, I was paralyzed in the middle of the street and wasn’t able to move. I walked some steps and really tried to go home. But I couldn’t. I came back and decided to have a beer. I went into a club and grabbed a beer.

As I was drinking that beer, hell was going through my head. I could not stop judging myself. I knew I shouldn’t drink that beer, but at the same time, I was unable to stop. All I wanted was to shut down those voices in my head, so I drank another beer, and another one, and another one.

At some point, I finally crossed the line, and was able to liberate my mind from the criticism and the bad feeling that drinking was making me feel. This was terrible, even worse than before my rehab. In the past, I enjoyed having a drink, and it was all happiness and party. But now it was different. I wasn’t even enjoying drinking, I could not stop the judgment in my head, and at the same time I wasn’t able to stop drinking.

Once, I crossed the line of consciousness, and stopped being self-aware. I just let go and things escalated to another level. I woke up in my bed, with a total blackout and two guys on my bed. “Shit!” I said to myself. “Did I cheat on Dustin?” “What´s wrong with me?” Those were the questions in my head.