What I Want part 1

Part 1

“But you do feel something…don’t you?” he asked, his face close to mine, close enough at least for me to see the usual expressionless features of his.

Those exact features, which never gave any sign of anger or joy, excitement or devastation, the features that have made reading the thoughts flowing inside his head impossible to read. He was standing in front of me, facing the direction of the sun, his face exposed to every sunbeam. His dark eyes have changed from a deep brown to a colour of a chestnut, bright and intense, desirable but dangerous.

The question he had asked did not sound like an accusation nor like an offence, but his dull, monotonous tone had changed the whole meaning of the sentence.

“I can’t explain it, nor have I any desire to do so.” I finally answered, after a long pause full of uncertainty. Perhaps I wanted to sound mysterious yet obstinate on purpose. Perhaps I needed him to feel the hurtfulness of his actions, his words, and his whole attitude towards me.

The reason why his question confused me so much was the fact that I had no idea how to answer it. Yes, I obviously feel something but if I tell him that, he may ask what is it exactly I feel and that’s where my mind would go completely blank, and my mouth would be unable to produce any kind of sounds, let alone words. Maybe if his question would be changed a little bit, I could find some ways to explain my feelings.

He could, for instance, ask what I feel in this precise moment, standing in front of him in the middle of nowhere, his face just a few inches from mine, his eyes – God, those beautiful pair of eyes –, lit by the rays of the sun. And I could tell him, in this frozen image where we are right now, what I feel, what I honestly and undoubtedly feel, is that I want him.

No, I want him.