When the Sun is gone, where am I?

There are versions of myself that reappear when the sun goes down, but the sky is still light.

It brings back teenage me.

Out climbing a mountain, with friends, until the early morning.

Where we watched the sunrise at four,  

lounging in nets meant for catching clumsy tourists, fumbling off ski lifts.

We felt invincible, the world was ours.

We could live one day straight into the next, with the only rest

caught leaning against shoulders at midnight fires. Camp songs humming in our ears.

It brings me back to the child I was. 

Teeth brushed, pyjamas on,

not yet ready to sleep.

Sneaking out into my grandparents garden 

barefoot in damp grass

holding breath as I neared the edge of the forest.

I willed forest fairies into being, 

dancing along the moss covered rocks

I willed a badger, a fox, a moose, to appear, nodding gravely as they passed.

I would step into the fairytale, deep into the forest,

The magic of the light nights would make it all come true.

Now in the present day,

At 8pm when my baby is finally asleep. 

I walk outside and breathe in the stillness, the peace.

The one moment when nothing is required of me.

the clouds are tinged pink, there is a lightness in the air. 

I can exhale and meet my old self again.

In that moment of light without the sun, I return to who I was before I was a mom.