Where do I belong?

When the final bell rang after a long school day, it was finally time to head back home. I often find myself torn between preferring to stay at home or go to school, but I realize that neither place feels quite right for me. At school, I often feel bored and lonely. It’s a bit ironic, yet disheartening, that I experience similar feelings at home too. I struggle to express myself and my emotions in either of these environments, and unfortunately, they seem to be the only options for me.

At school, I constantly have to maintain control, keep quiet, and stay focused. However, deep down, I can’t help but compare myself to others. There’s always someone who is pretty, someone who is intelligent, someone who effortlessly socializes, and someone who doesn’t even have to try. Every moment at school feels like a test, an attempt to avoid humiliation. Does it matter? Not really. In reality, everyone does care, but not about my thoughts or feelings; they are more concerned with judging and finding something to mock later. And I know that the real issue lies with me.

The whole situation feels uncomfortable because I struggle to find the right words to say, and I lack the confidence to speak up. The people I trust the most seldom initiate conversations. I find myself constantly having to carry the burden of keeping the discussion going, sharing my thoughts, and addressing topics they can relate to, but they never make an effort to engage first, suggest going out, or boost my spirits. I always have to be the one to offer support and encouragement, even though I’m struggling. The same goes for home. I can never bring myself to shed tears, fearing that they won’t understand and will perceive it as childish.

Among friends at school, there always seems to be an unspoken competition: who is the best, or even who has the worst life? Who is the most despondent? It truly is draining. At home, nothing seems to be going right; everyone is feeling low, and there are constantly a multitude of responsibilities and chores. It’s all just so tiring.

At times, I ponder about the meaning of life. People are entangled in conflicts they never chose to be a part of. Time keeps passing, but nothing seems to progress, except for the time dwindling away in your life. I’m drained by everything, yet I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be grateful for all that I have, but the exhaustion is overwhelming. I lack the strength; even simply standing feels like a struggle. Why am I like this?