While You’re Still Here – 4

The young man sits on his bed with his eyes finally dry. He doesn’t answer, he lights up a cigarette and opens the window to blow the smoke out. Tom doesn’t like smoking, but the flame often comes in handy. He looks at his leg studded with little round scars, old and new, and thinks where he could place the next one to give it a balanced effect. He decorates his leg with a couple of new circles, then stares at it while taking a puff. Before the cigarette can reach his leg again, Maeve stops Tom’s hand. She had beautiful scars of her own, when she was alive, but Tom prefers to remember her with clean wrists.

“Tom, you brought the phrase ‘smoking is bad for your health’ to a whole new level.”

“I tried with a blade. It didn’t work out.”

“What about a film instead?”

Tom takes another puff. “Can I keep the cigarette on?”

“No.”

He shrugs and Maeve goes sit next to the radiator, her favourite spot. They stay silent until Tom finishes the cigarette and finally opens the computer. Then, Maeve smiles and jumps on the bed to sit with him.

“What are we watching?”

Halfway through Vertigo, Tom falls asleep. When he wakes up, it’s already dark outside. He is suddenly hungry but, going to the kitchen, he would risk meeting one of his flatmates and just the thought of it makes him irritable. His other options are going to the grocery store or ignoring his stomach and staying there. He considers skipping meals altogether for that day but then decides that some fresh air would be good for him anyway, so he grabs shoes and jacket and goes.

Just by being outside, Tom feels anxiety rising. There are more people around campus than he expected. He feels trouble breathing and starts scratching the burns under his jeans. He focusses on shoes of people passing by: neon pink trainers with purple laces, black boots with glitter, flip-flops…

After twenty or thirty more pairs of shoes, he gives up and goes back to his room. He sits, with the lights out.

“I wanna do it,” he finally says.

“Why now?”

“Why waiting?”

“That’s not an answer.” He looks at Maeve annoyed. She doesn’t need an answer, so why does she even ask?

She replies to that thought. “You don’t believe in ghosts, Tommy. You know where I come from. There is obviously a part of you that wants to question your decision.”

“I have no energy left. The cons of living have exceeded the pros.”