Whose menopause is it anyway?

I used to spend my life in shorts and tee shirts. Everyone knew that’s who I am. I mean, that’s who I was.

As I write this, I am barely recognisable. I have a sweatshirt on with the hoodie pulled over my head. No, the central heating hasn’t broken down. No, it is not the winter.

At night, she has the fan turned on so high that the duvet is levitating three foot above the mattress. My body is pimpled with cold, hers beside me is sweating with heat.

Would you say perspiring, not sweating.

I clutch my pillows and anything else that I can cling on to keep me warm. Meanwhile, she is asleep. I can’t know that she is asleep because she is snoring, because the fan is so loud that I couldn’t hear if she is or not.

Just a minute, I don’t snore! I perhaps breath heavily sometimes. It’s you that snores and I can hear you over any blooming fan.

It’s one o’clock and there’s still hours of darkness ahead. I’m freezing.

And your wife is hot.

Two o’clock and still no sign of the dawn chorus. I can’t feel my feet. Three o’clock, the dog basket beside the bed is empty. He has abandoned his shelter and fled from the fan storm. I cannot feel my legs. Four o’clock, it’s just two hours to go until the cockerill crows.

I do actually stay my side of the bed. You can do what you like your side.

My side needs a wind break, or let me have an air raid shelter to keep out of this fan’s blast.

Morning finally arrives. Time to get downstairs to get some warmth. Cafetiere filled to the brim, my hands clutched round it to check I’m alive, until the doors are opened, velux windows opened. ‘We need fresh air’, she shouted!

Hang on. I don’t shout at you and everyone needs fresh air. That’s perfectly normal. I object. You are not the one who is suffering from this.

Sorry? It really is me who is suffering. I’ll never complain about all the socks people give at Christmas EVER again!

Not even the car is safe. The temperature is set at minus 3. It’s raining outside and snowing inside.

But, I will get through this…

Sometimes you need to keep your cool with a very hot woman.