Worth more than Gold

This counts, worth more than gold, not upsetting anyone because one manages Life considering the possibility of The Golden Life of others. If not, people would end up unhappy and that’s not what one wants. One wouldn’t want people to talk bad about you, because words travel fast when they have achieved momentum and most importantly, people never seem to forget when something uncomfortable happens to them. And, they never seemed to forget that I happened to them. So I started to listen even more closely and stopped feeling so confident because others should feel it too. And celebrating my wins would only mean shining light on their losses.

I was never in a place to tell them what had happened or what I had experienced, but they were right there, making themselves heard and helpfully guiding me to a place where the correct nature of my experiences could be found because: It’s not as big of a deal as you make it sound.
There was no point in trying to convince them otherwise because they already knew Life and understanding me was difficult, impossible really, since I was too meta, speaking the language of the moon. But there was nothing meta, out of this world, about me crying from pain in the hospital, bed-bound in the IC facing that metal fixator holding my leg together. And there was nothing meta about me asking for help and for medication to ease the pain and to be able to fall asleep, so I could get some rest since that escaped me too.

Yet apparently the pain I felt was nothing, incomparable really, since real pain is women birthing children. Maybe a better way to look at things was asking myself the questions How must it be for others? and What could I do for them? So, shutting up so others could be at ease was something I became really, really sure of. In the end, people didn’t seem to care about honesty, they cared more about comfort – especially theirs. 

I was never in the place to ask questions, yet I still needed all the answers when they would be asking for it. But Peace was never the right answer, no matter what Life Question I was presented. I valued Balance the most since I wished for it the most. Yes, and I valued Harmony the most because I needed it the most too. I wished for that magic to be in my life to softly embrace me like it did the lucky ones. I wished for that presence of Bliss to be that blessing to me what it was to the lucky ones. I needed it to be true because I was depending on it doing so. I was wishing and needing it and I needed the wish for years to come. Just like a tree would wish and would need to collect its rings for years to come too.

But Survival of the Fittest became something that would work for me and there was something very satisfying with that. That peace that would be created would be an experience that we shared. Something that would be Ours. Something that connected us and therefore, no place for hate and hurt to claw itself into because that hate and hurt would need to claw itself into Us alike. In order for everyone to be happy and satisfied I would bend my life, so it would bridge the space between theirs and happiness. Bending to Life’s Unfairness and its mighty hand. That’s simply the Game that I would have to play. But that game eventually meant for my Soul to lose.