you

“So many girls dream of getting picked up by the right man to bow down to them to offer all their love. You were that for me. You did everything for me. You taught me, you put up with me in a way I knew nobody else ever would. And it felt so good. We talked about marriage, about having kids. What it would be like with us. I told you about all of my fears, and you handled them with the utmost care. When you looked at me, you saw me like a jewel. And you told me you couldn’t believe to have something so pretty by your side. And I fell in love, truly and honestly. And everyone saw it. You taught me everything I know. And I was so grateful. We sat together for hours while I was working. We tripped together and you took care of me. You picked me off the street like a dirty kitten. You cuddled me, you fed me, you bathed me. You called me your baby.” But healing is tough. And when I was busy with myself there was no space for others. And I felt guilty because I was in no way able to return the shower of love that had been gifted to me. And I saw how I was falling behind at every step. An emotionally mingled mess. Crazy and pretty and trying to get myself out of that with all the might my tiny body had left. It was too cliché and far off from the strong woman I saw in my dreams. But I had felt myself grow. I was finally ready to become her. You know what the issue is with men? They bring their bad habits. Noel was a pothead, a convinced one too. He loved his weed and this damn stuff started growing out of every corner of the flat. We smoked a lot, every day. It was like living in a smoke cloud. Windows closed, heating turned up to five. I did not even like weed that much, I was more into psychedelics, but it is a quick fix when you are bored. I saw addiction and how it manifests itself in the environment. Before you even realize there are ashtrays everywhere and THC in all its forms living around you. The buds, the liquid the hash. Put it into honey, gummy bears, brownies. Sure in the beginning it was fun how they talked about the quality and different types but sooner or later you realize it is all the same and not anywhere near as interesting as it is made out to be. It just kept me trapped in the same spot. And I knew mental health issues and drugs were a breeding ground for disaster. It never stopped bothering me. Noel also slipped up often, would forget things he said, and spin things around completely. After two years he seemed nowhere near as quick-witted as I had gotten to know him. Since he was having some huge issues with his job he quit and was on leave and whilst I understood perfectly well I was wondering when he would come up to me saying: “Babe, I got it figured out. I will work hard, and we will get that house we talked about. I will do anything for us to have a good life.” But that never happened. Instead, I got indescribable mumbling, more smoking, and something along the lines of: “I don’t know if I can deal with a full-time job. Maybe I will work part-time from my PC in the future. I don’t want anything to do with corporate life.” And as a true rebel, I understood what he was getting at, but it was hard to take a motherfucker seriously like that. And so I started proposing for him to leave. I said it was because I wanted an open relationship, that I needed more freedom. But I could feel myself getting cold watching him slouch around in a blanket with sleeves sewn on.